After more than a week of no communication, I'm ready to say a few things. Today George and I leave Florida and begin a three day road trip to Dana Farber Cancer Institute in Massachusetts. Our friend, Amy's brother has offered us a place to stay while we have a consultation with an oncologist there. I want to get as much information as possible from every angle possible to choose what course of action I can really embody, heart and soul. Ultimately, though I am receiving much great advice, no one can make these choices for me, as much as I'd like that. And ultimately, the challenge of meeting this and healing must come from a very honest, open and therefore strong place inside. So I have been listening, resisting, pushing, opening, learning, asking, shaking, taking risks, screaming, collapsing, rising and listening again, over and over again. This is such a staggering challenge that I can hardly manage it. I relish the few moments each day when I am not overcome with anxiety. And I am beginning to notice what things make the difference, which is a very important thing to learn. All the information and the weight of choice is what makes me hesitate to write much. I realize that much of my anxiety is imagining the responses of people who love me, who might not agree with or feel at peace with each choice I make. So for self care, I've huddled myself into a cocoon of sorts, knowing I am loved, that I am human, that we are each human, reaching for what we can, and that much Grace is needed.
That's the mantra George and I are sharing. There MUST be grace. There MUST be Grace! When all is said and done, and the choices are made, the God moment for me is the moment when I know there is Something Bigger at work, and I am not separate from that.. never will be. I am held in a greater process, called by many names. And each of you is part of that Something Bigger. Thank you. Thank you!!